I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
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Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself