Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
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Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.