At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
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“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
i wish i could marry a nap
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.