At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
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me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
my astrological sign is a french fry
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.