wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
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Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I think this should do it.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book