Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
definitely did not do anything wrong
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
#SuperBowl