My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
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I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Me My dog
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete