me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
You Might Also Like
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I think they could have phrased this better
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.