There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
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[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?