MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Nothing to do, you say?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Holy crap this is wonderful
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot