What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
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Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
When you kidnap a writer.
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Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish