What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
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If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.