OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
You Might Also Like
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
You got this…
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.