Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
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Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.