A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*