People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
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Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
When someone says you are so lazy
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?