Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
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My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
This kid is a star!
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.