Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*