Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
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Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
How it started How it’s going
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Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?