Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
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“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work