Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Brilliant!
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boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets