Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
stand with me against insufficient seating
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
me hooking up with my ex
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle