Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
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How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.