Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
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A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Very good! 👍😂
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating