Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
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Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.