[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
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John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.