I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
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“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
what?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.