stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?