Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
You Might Also Like
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life