But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
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THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
what day is it?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.