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*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
He-man has a Masters degree
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.