Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Yes
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I think the cat got the dog high.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.