If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
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(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave