it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
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Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.