My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
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fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you