Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
You Might Also Like
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*