Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
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My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
nothing saves money like being antisocial
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
😜
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section