You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
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Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Okay me first
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe