“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
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RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.