To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
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My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.