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I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.