The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
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Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.