A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
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“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me too
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.