The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
You Might Also Like
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Not today
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.