The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
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The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
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My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.