Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
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Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*