I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
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Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.