The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?