Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
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me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Dishonest mechanic?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks