Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
You Might Also Like
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
So true for me
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Can’t. About to go please some beans