Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
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Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.