My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
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[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.