Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
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PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me