I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
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Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
wish me luck lads
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*