If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
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20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
The opposite of Iceland is water water
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Me, reading some of your tweets
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Haha good job!!
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them