Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
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People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
This has made my week.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously